So uhh... long post incoming. Feel free to ignore if you'd like, it's just something I felt like I needed to type up for some reason. I've put it up elsewhere, but I figured some here might be interested to some degree.
[spoiler]Well, wide awake due to insomnia again. This is nothing new, of course, however today went a little differently than usual. Usually, I try not to allow my mind to wander since when it does, I'm up all night long with thoughts that would likely just ruin my mood for the following day on top of being completely exhausted.
Tonight though, for whatever reason, I let it wander away. Maybe because I let it do its thing for the first time in a very long time, my mind feels less cluttered somehow. Many things that I struggled with in my waking hours (well, the hours I'm supposed to be awake at at any rate) seem less heavy in my head now, less important.
It also gave me the time to sort out some things with which I wrestled with for a long time. I may not necessarily have all the answers I would like, but part of this is that I've kind of come to accept that in some cases I just can't have the answers I'd like. Verily, in most cases I won't... and that's OK.
Those of you that know me will know that I tend to overthink things. This kind of applies to everything for me, in a way that can sort of get in the way sometimes. In an effort to have all the proper answers, sometimes I just don't speak up when I should due to not feeling 100% comfortable with the validity of what I have in mind to say. As such, I usually just remain quiet most of the time, not wanting to blurt out anything stupid (unless that is my express aim, as is the case when I'm joking around).
So if I seem quiet, it's due to that. It's not because I'm disinterested in the proceedings; usually it's the complete opposite. I just dwell on a thought for so long so I can say it eloquently that sometimes I just never get to say anything, as the topic of conversation has most likely swept past what I was ready to say at that point anyways. Those times where I started to say something but it turned into gibberish about halfway through? Yeah, that's me trying to hurry a thought out. Fun stuff.
Also, I'm well aware that I can come across as a smartass. This is largely due to... well, everything I've said above, really. That's just me making sure that whatever I say has some logic behind it. I'm not trying to one-up anyone at any point, it just might come across that way because I've overthought whatever it is I said way too much. I apologize if it looks like if I was actively trying to discredit whatever it was you were saying; I really wasn't trying to.
This is just the tip of what's been on my mind tonight, but it's really the only stuff that would remotely interest most of you. The rest is more personal mumbo-jumbo that I shan't bore you with.
For those of you that have stuck out and read all this... thanks, I guess. It'll give you some insight into why I am the way I am, I suppose. For those of you that found this far too long of a read... hah, I understand completely. This is what I deal with on a constant basis, and even I tire of it at times.
So in short, some good came out of my insomnia for once. I feel much more relaxed and free.
... it would have been nice to have the sleep too though. Oh well.[/spoiler]