Thanks to Magnus drafting a couple more RPMers into BLU Team, I had an excuse/obligation to write more tales of RPM Fortress. So here's the next episode! Enjoy.
RPM Fortress Episode 2 - Recruits[spoiler]BLU Team was in a mess. Thanks to the efforts of their RED Team rivals - and in no small part, their own recklessness and "fun" games like "Juggle the Live Grenades" - they were down to a measly four members. So, in an attempt to strengthen the BLU Team, and to get the REDs to stop laughing at them, they agreed to hold a secret meeting to discuss a recruitment scheme. Of course, they couldn't afford an actual meeting hall, so they had to make do with the empty rations closet. They began their private meeting, huddled around a little wooden table they stole from the battlefield.
"I hereby call this meeting to order," declared Engineer Wily, being the only truly intelligent team member. He shuffled a bunch of tattered sheets, adjusted his navy spectacles and cleared his throat. "Item number one on the agenda: recruitment. How do we go about it?"
"How about we just grab someone off the street, give 'em a gun and tell 'em they're in?" suggested Spy Gotham, leaning back in his chair, feet up on the table, puffing away on a cigarette.
"I don't think that would work," said Wily.
"'Ow's about we just line the buggers up an' shoot 'em," offered Sniper Nick, grinning eagerly, "An' whichever one of 'em isn't dead gets to be on the team?"
"How about something that doesn't satisfy your craving for sticking bullets where they don't belong?" sneered Medic Acid. Nick shrank in his chair.
"I like bullets..."
"I have a better solution," said Acid, banging his fists against the table, "Why don't we just put out some ads and have them take part in goddamn TRYOUTS?!"
Wily blinked. "I suppose that would be the best option, given our lack of...other ideas," he said, throwing Nick and Gotham a filthy look. "Right, so, onto item number two on the agenda..." He flipped through the sheets, only to find that the rest of them were just doodles and shopping lists. He sighed. "Never mind. Meeting adjourned."
---
Having rounded up a few interested candidates, the BLU Team organised them all in their rations closet/meeting room, where they had fashioned their table into a makeshift desk for the judges' panel.
"First up," declared Wily, pushing his glasses up on his nose and peering at the sheet, "Archer, trying out for the role of the Heavy."
The door at the other side of the room opened up, and a white-haired man wielding an enormous chaingun staggered in, having some trouble holding the massive gun. He dragged himself to the centre of the room in front of the judges and dropped the gun to the ground, giving off a resounding thud.
"Uh...hey there."
"So, Mr. Archer," said Wily, peering at the man over his glasses, "Tell us what you can do."
"Well, I, uh...I can shoot stuff really fast with this baby," he said, smiling and patting his chaingun.
"Mm-hm. Would you like to give us a demonstration?"
Archer's smile warped into a frown. "Uh...okay."
Painfully, he heaved the gun up into his arms and pulled the trigger. The barrels began to revolve, slowly at first, but they soon picked up speed. Within seconds of the monstrous gun's trigger being pulled, a hail of bullets sprayed in every direction imaginable, and some directions only pondered upon. Try as he might, Archer couldn't control the weapon in his hands. It was as though it had taken on a mind of its own. The judges ducked under their desk as the gun veered wildly out of its wielder's control, firing stream after stream of bullets all around the room, while Archer himself was spinning around from the gun's weight like a deranged ballerina. When at last the gun exhausted itself of ammo and thick reams of smoke billowed out of the steaming barrels, the walls, ceiling and even the floor had been peppered by an artistic hail of bullet holes. Archer stepped back, noticing that the BLU judges were glaring daggers at him. He grinned nervously.
"Uh...I take it this means I didn't pass?"
---
The tryouts had been nothing short of a nightmare. The initial insanity unleashed by the wannabe Heavy only became more and more over the top: the weary BLU Team judges had seen an afro-clad Demoman nearly blow the room apart, a hook-handed Scout go mad and try to bludgeon them to death, a fiery-haired Soldier get a bit too excited with his bazooka, a plucky young Pyro whose name they couldn't remember (it began with a T, they were certain of that) set fire to half the base and countless other forms of chaos. They were more than prepared to just give up and leave the team as it was.
"[tornado fang] me," said Nick, clutching onto his singed hat tightly, "What a bloody shower of loonies that crowd was."
"Screw this, I've had enough," said Gotham, holding a cigarette in his shaking hand.
"There's j-just two more c-candidates," stuttered Wily, his hair and moustache standing up like follicle stalagmites.
"NO! For the love of God, NO MORE CANDIDATES!" roared Acid, grabbing Wily and shaking him ferociously.
"N-next c-c-c-c-candidate, p-please!"
The door slowly opened, and a spiky-haired young man with a baseball cap and headphones walked into the room. He was holding a scattergun in his hands, so it was clear he was trying out for the role of the Scout.
"Hi, my name's Nexus, and I'm trying out for the role of the Scout."
"Yeah, that's been established," said Acid, pulling out his needlegun from under the table. "What can you do?"
"Well, I've trained for years to improve my speed, dexterity and reflexes so no-one else can hope to match it. I'm the fastest, quickest, most athletic--"
"Yeah, yeah," interrupted Gotham impatiently, "Just give us a demo and get lost."
The potential Scout looked around, turned on his heel and ran out the door. The rest of BLU Team looked at eachother confusedly.
"Poor bloke must've realised he's a no-hoper and buggered off," said Nick, sticking a toothpick between his teeth. Before he even closed his mouth, Nexus had returned, holding an armful of soda bottles and chocolate bars.
"Six point eight seconds," exclaimed Wily, a stopwatch conveniently in his hands, "That's a new record!"
"So, am I on the team?" asked Nexus hopefully.
"That depends," asked Nick, leering at him, "Is this root beer?"
"Yes."
"Awright, yer in."
The new BLU Scout punched the air and triumphantly left the room. Acid sighed with relief. "We got off lucky there...who's next?"
"Just one more," said Wily, his nerves calmed. Nick glanced over his shoulder at the list, with all but one crossed off, and a little tick beside Nexus' name. He cocked an eyebrow at the name at the very bottom of the sheet.
"Million? Milon? Malzard? Malfos? Mordor?"
"Milen," corrected Wily sharply, "Milen Anessar, please come in."
The rusty door at the far side of the room creaked open, and a petite figure walked in. The BLU judges saw the army helmet and immediately hid behind their chairs.
"No! Go away! No more Soldiers!" hissed Acid, waving his bonesaw at the newcomer. The Soldier's helmet was lifted slightly, revealing a pretty young woman with short blonde hair and a friendly smile.
"Hello," she said sweetly, bowing slightly. Nick's jaw dropped.
"Is that...is that one of those..."
"Yes," breathed Gotham, "It's a woman!"
The BLU Team stared in abject fascination at this strange new character. They had heard of women before, of course, but they didn't think they would actually be granted the pleasure of seeing one in person. A woman! An actual woman! With boobs and everything!
"So, uh, M-Milen," muttered Wily, sweat pouring down his brow, "C-can you give us a sample of your boobs...I mean, s-skills?"
Milen nodded and hoisted her bazooka over her shoulder. She took aim at an empty food locker in the corner and shot a rocket at it, blowing the locker to smithereens. The judges applauded loudly, and she bowed.
"Thank you, thank you very much!"
"Well, uh, Milen," said Wily, wiping the steam off of his glasses, "It looks like you're hired."
Milen tipped her head to the left slightly. "Oh? But I only show you little demonstration...I have much more to show you." Nick practically fell off his chair.
"That won't be necessary," Wily intervened, "You're hired. Welcome to the team, et cetera, et cetera, have a nice day!"
Milen smiled, bowed and casually exited the room. Nick climbed back onto his chair, while the rest of BLU Team smiled like dunces.
"Bloody hell, fellas! An actual girl. Who'd-a thunk it?"
"At last this team won't be a sausage-fest anymore," said Gotham with a sly grin, lighting up another cigarette. Acid put on his usual manic grin and steepled his fingers gleefully.
"BLU Team rules."[/spoiler]
Also, if anybody wants to get involved in the RPM Fortress project, head over to Magnus' thread and sign up [/shameless plug]. There's still a few spots left.
http://forum.rockmanpm.com/index.php?topic=2154.0