And now, for your bewilderment, a collection of short stories.
John went to buy groceries at 7 AM on a Tuesday morning on the 15th of March it was a very sunny day there wasn't a cloud in the sky so John decided he didn't need to take his car and so he decided to walk to the shop as he was walking down the road he saw a penny so he picked it up and to his surprise the penny started talking to him John it said John I am a magic penny I will grant you anything you so desire simply say what you want and I will conjure it up for you John thought about it and then he asked well how many of these wishes do I get the penny considered this thought long and hard it did and after much careful deliberation it came to a conclusion you may have five wishes five wishes thought John well alright then and he thought about this it would be a shame he said to waste my first wish on something really expensive and have it wasted so just to make sure for my first wish I would like a sandwich and lo and behold in John's hand was a delicious smoked salmon and brie sandwich on rye bread with mayonaise and mustard spread on it John ate the sandwich to see how it tasted it was delicious he smiled and looked at the penny nestled in his palm by god he said to the copper mintage that was one of the best sandwiches I've ever had the good fortune of eating the penny seemed pleased by this though being a penny it could not express its sentiments to its new master John then spoke up and he said to the magic penny for my second wish I would like my wife to have a new car and amazingly he saw his beautiful wife driving past him in a new Ferrari Testarosa she seemed very pleased with herself and because she was happy John fair deuce to him was also happy well he murmured I think for my third of fifth wish I would like a new pair of shoes the penny was unsure about this are you certain that's what you'd like it asked John but John was sure I don't care much for fancy luxuries he said as long as I have my loving wife my job and my house I am content so I would like my new shoes if you please and after a slight pause but only a slight pause barely noticeable by John's a little above average vision the penny gave John his wish and a new pair of shos appeared on John's feet fantastic John cried in delight a new pair of shoes might I humbly suggest something a little more extravagant good sir mused the coin but John shook his head not yet he said and rubbed his chin slowly alright he concluded happily for my fourth of fifth wish I would like my wife to be even happier than she already is she seemed very happy with her new car but she could be happier than she is and by this point the penny was notably nervous about John's desires John it whispered gently but ever so urgently John it said warningly John oh John do not ask for such a thing John however was puzzled why not he asked because said the penny there are some forces even I cannot control by which I mean my power John I cannot control my own power John if you choose such a thing John I cannot guarantee what will happen but John scoffed at this so long as my lovely and caring wife is happy then I too am happy so please grant me my wish the penny was hesitant but it had no choice it was a magic penny and therefore had to grant the wish of whomever held it and so it granted the wish there said the penny I have made it so your wish it is granted and your wife is the happiest she has been in a long time John smiled and went home to see her oh my dear he announced ever so proudly when he walked in through the front door oh my dear I'm here now oh my dear are you happy oh my dear but when John still clutching the magic penny in his hands buried amongst his narrow fingers went up to his bedroom to greet his wife he found her in bed with another man John oh poor John he was distraught he opened up his hand and angry tears spilling across his cheeks he shouted to the magic penny he held oh magic penny is this what my wife has wanted all this time is this what will make her happier and the penny mororesly told John that this was what was making her happy and John in his rage asked for his fifth and final wish.
Bang.
--------------------
Wherein a thousand spoke of fame, none of them were yet to blame.
JC Cristoff and Louis Saffar trod the empty halls of the old opera house. No sound came, for there was nothing there to make a sound. The walls, once dark and proud, had grayed over time and the paint now flecked and scratched in crisp pieces of flake and grit. With every step, a portion of dust taken from the floor. The soulless seats, the barren stage; remnants of days since past.
"Ah," breathed JC, seating himself, "For those days to have again. As we once had."
"Indeed," murmured Louis, lowering himself beside his companion.
Both men watched, in idle fascination, the stage. No-one came on. They watched a phantom production; an illusion of a performance.
"The conductor played here," mused JC.
"Yes," replied Louis.
"In the old days."
"Yes. The old days."
"There is nothing here, now," stated JC.
"Nothing," agreed Louis.
"Do you ever wonder?"
"Of what?"
"Of why."
"Why what?"
"Why they left."
"Times pass."
"Yes."
"Things change."
"Indeed, things do change," contented JC.
"They must change," continued Louis; in his voice, a tinge of sadnes.
"Of course."
"For without change, what is there?"
"The same."
"Yes."
"We cannot have the same."
"We cannot."
A moment of silence. In someone's mind, a man on stage blew a trumpet. Perhaps an audience cheers. Maybe a man amongst the audience falls to his knees and cries.
"I wonder," spoke JC.
"Wonder what?" queried Louis.
"Why they dreamt of such fame."
"They are only mortal. It is to be expected. They must reach new heights; achievements must be gained."
"Or they will not be satisfied."
"Exactly."
The audience. A baby laughs at the tinkling of the triangle. A woman smiles at the mellow murmuring of the violin.
"But they are His children," thought aloud JC.
"Children are often spoiled," replied Louis.
"Of course."
"They had to leave. They did not find fame."
"Indeed. Pastures greener, and whatnot."
"To be sure. To be sure."
The performance finishes. The audience applauds. Cheering. Triumph. Happiness.
Both men stood up and left the theatre.
Wherein a thousand spoke of fame, none of them were yet to blame.
--------------------
This story is very short.
Don't you think?
--------------------
Annoyingly, Boris can't decide Evelyn's fairness. God! He, I, joke kindly, loudly, maddeningly. No-one opens Peter's quiet retail store. Tony understands Veronica's worries. Xylophone? Yes! Zoo.
--------------------
Watch as my fingers dance they dance they dance on the kyboard I do not look as I tupe, for sure, for sure, ha ha ha aha haha, undertsn me! My sorry, my rage, oh dear. Ha ha ha ha ha! Tyrnips, pleae me. Pease. I need the turnipsFor mow. To understad. I must e healed. waken me do not let me go no olease dont t emr gos a ha ah aha ha ahs aha a ah oh.
A vignette. By Nick Z. Rhythm.
This is the first part of a story I've been working on. It's my own revision of
. Please read it if you're here, preferably leave a nice comment, and enjoy.
If you're gonna give a girl a gun, you'd better make sure she knows how to use it.
These words were passing through Alice Butler's mind as she walked - or rather, sauntered - along the riverbank. It was a quote from her father. He worked as a police officer in another town, having divorced from Alice's mother some ten years prior. Alice hardly saw him, which suited her just fine. He came to visit every few months or so, during which time Alice would retreat to her room and lock the door. They rarely spoke to eachother. There was a sort of mutual disdain between father and daughter, though neither knew why. They just didn't get along very well.
As Alice strolled by the row of willow trees, she snapped her fingers to "Livin' On A Prayer" on her headphones. 80's rock was her passion. Her father preferred 70's music, which was often a source of ire between them. She stopped at the bench by the bank, sat down and moved onto "Welcome To The Jungle". As Axl Rose's shrill voice resounded in her ears, she lay back and looked into the sparkling water below.
Her hard rock reverie was suddenly broken by the appearance of a little white rabbit. There, in front of her, was a snow-white rabbit. Alice blinked. It definitely wasn't there before.
"Hey, uh, little guy," she said softly. The rabbit's nose twitched. Alice slid down the volume on her headphones and leaned forward a little bit. The rabbit looked at her. She reached her hands out, hoping to catch it. Maybe she'd return it to its owner and get a reward. She could do with the money.
No sooner did she stretch her arms out than the rabbit scurried off a few feet. Alice frowned and stood up.
"I'm not gonna hurt you, little guy..."
But the rabbit was not at all enticed. It hopped back another few steps. Getting more annoyed by the moment, Alice stepped forward. The rabbit hopped back.
Alice was losing her temper at this point. She lunged forward, crouching at the last second to catch the damned rabbit.
Alas, fortune was not on her side. As she lowered herself after her running leap, her right foot landed on the slippery mud at the edge of the riverbank. The rabbit watched in its own style of idle curiosity as Alice fell headfirst into the water.
Spluttering and gasping, Alice thrust her head upwards. Past the edge, the bank fell down a steep incline, straight into a deep body of water. Alice kicked her feet vigorously, trying her best to tread water. She now regretted not taking those swimming lessons like her mother reccomended.
Instinctively, she grabbed onto a branch protruding from a sagging tree and held on for dear life. It didn't do much good, though; the current was too strong. Within moments, she found herself being dragged downstream. She cursed the rabbit, who was watching her from the shore. It was all the rabbit's fault. She was a goner.
Alice Butler closed her eyes.
-----
When she opened her eyes, Alice found herself somewhere else.
It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, but when they did, she found herself looking at a world of strange colours; almost like a photo-negative image. It looked remarkably like the riverbank she was just at, except for the fact that the colours were entirely different. That, and everything seemed to be back-to-front. A mirror image.
"Am I dreaming?" She rubbed her eyes and looked around again. Nope. Everything was still backwards and colour-screwed. "Then...am I dead? Did I drown back there?" She quickly turned on her headphones, and was greeted by Bon Jovi's voice. That ruled out Hell, then. Anywhere she couldn't listen to her 80's rock had to be Hell for her.
Alice groaned and struggled to her feet. She brushed her shirt off and fixed her skirt. Unbeknownst to her, a figure was crawling out along the branch of a nearby tree. Smiling, the figure slid down the trunk of the tree and slinked over to the newcomer.
"I must be going crazy," Alice muttered to herself, staring into the violet water of the river beneath the navy sky above. When she turned around, she found herself looking at a young woman with a pair of purple cat ears on her head and a swishing cat's tail. "Yeah, I'm definitely going mad."
"Hey, baby," the catgirl cooed, approaching Alice. She was wearing nothing but a fur bikini, Alice noted. She frowned and took a step back uneasily.
"Uh...hi there."
The catgirl, grinning a gleaming white smile, leaned over and put her arms around Alice's waist. Alice immediately blushed.
"I get a good feeling from you, baby," the grinning catgirl purred, stroking Alice's cheek sensually, "Do you get a good feeling from me?"
"Not really," choked Alice. Her cheeks went from strawberry pink to crimson red as the catgirl licked her cheek. Alice stood frozen in shock and confusion as the overly-friendly feline female ran her tongue along Alice's lips, then moved down her neck and to her breasts.
"GET OFF!" Alice cried, staggering back and holding her shirt tightly. "Look, I don't know who you think you are, but I don't appreciate you tryin' to...molest me!"
The catgirl continued to grin, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "The name's Chesire, baby."
"Chesire," Alice repeated for herself. She glanced about for something she could use to beat off the catgirl. Being compromised by a half-naked feline girl only moments after arriving in some strange new world would just be plain embarrasing.
No big sticks by her feet. Damn. She'd just have to rely on what little fighting skills she had.
"Look, if you try touch me again, I'm gonna break your little kitty back, got it?"
"Awwwww, don't be like that, sugar," Chesire purred, lying down on the golden grass and running a hand along her bare leg. She was still grinning that uncomfortably homely grin. "It's not very often we get folks like you 'round these here parts."
Alice forgot her rage for a moment and glared at Chesire. "Folks like me?"
"Indeedy-ba-doobily, cupcake." Chesire raised herself to all fours and slinked back up the tree she came from. She sprawled herself out on the long branch and closed her eyes. "Yeah, you're what we call an Otherworlder."
Alice clutched her head. "Otherworlder? What are you...oh, God, I need some music...I'm definitely going mad."
"Relax, honey." Chesire's grin went beyond the impossible and spread even wider and gleamed even more intensely. "We're all mad here!"
"That doesn't help!" snapped Alice, fumbling for her headphones. "Just...just send me back home already!"
"No can do, cutie."
"What?"
"It's not in my power to do that. Nope, I'm afraid you're stuck here."
Alice narrowed her eyes. "Tell me how to get home, or I swear to God, I'm gonna wring that furry little neck of yours."
"Hey, now, no need to get violent." Chesire smiled deviously and licked the back of her hand. "Unless, of course, you're into that type of thing. Are you a submissive or a dominant?"
"I'm neither!"
"Ooh, dominant. I like that. I'm a baaaaad kitty."
Alice turned on her heel and stormed off. If this nymphomaniac little catgirl was going to screw with her like this, Alice didn't want to stick around any longer.
She'd find her own way home.
-----
Shortly after leaving the Chesire catgirl in a huff, Alice found herself strolling along an unfamiliar part of the river. At any rate, it wasn't like this back home. She would at least remember the water rissing up over nothing.
"This is insane," she muttered bitterly, "I must be dreaming. Or something! I can't really be in this...place. It's just insane."
While she was walking, she saw a strange old man sitting by the riverbank. He was wearing a flat-topped, wide-brimmed and slightly rumpled hat, and had a greying beard that reached down to his waist. He seemed to be skimming stones. Alice decided she'd ask him for help. He at least looked like someone who wouldn't molest her.
Well...
She'd try anyway.
"Hey, excuse me," she called, approaching him, "Old man?"
The old fellow didn't even look at her. He just stared into the river from behind his dark glasses.
"Uh, hello?" said Alice. She leaned over to see if he was even awake. It was hard to tell behind the glasses. Maybe he had programmed himself to skim stones while sleeping.
She leaned another bit closer. Her heart nearly leaped out as he swung his head to face her.
"What?" he grunted unpleasantly. Alice stepped back, grimacing noticeably.
"Um...yeah, hi," she said, trying to act polite, and succeeding only in the loosest sense of the term, "I'm not from around here, and I was wondering if you could give me a hand? You know, telling me where I should go to get home and...stuff."
The old man looked back at the river. "No," he replied firmly, and threw another stone across the water's surface.
Alice frowned. "C'mon! Can't you even tell me where I am?"
The old man was quiet for a moment. After a half-minute of hesitation, he grunted, "Wonderland."
Alice cocked an eyebrow. "Wonderland? You're kidding, right?"
"Nope. I don't kid, kid."
Alice heaved a sigh. She produced her headphones and decided to sit beside the old man.
"You new here?" he asked suddenly.
"I already said I was."
The old fellow grunted ambiguously in response. "Not a lot of folk come here these days."
"I can imagine they don't..."
There was another moment of awkward silence. After at least a minute of quiet music and watching the old fellow skim stones, Alice found herself being surveyed by her elderly companion's scrutinising stare.
"Here," he said.
"Here what?"
Alice found herself with something metal and a bit heavy in the palm of her hand. She looked down. It was a revolver. Her eyes widened, and she had to focus her energy into her mouth to keep her jaw from dropping.
"Wh...what...why...why..."
"You're gonna need it," said the old man. This was, apparently, his justification for giving a seventeen-year-old girl a 19th Century firearm, albeit one that was considerably modernised and enhanced. Before she could even argue against the old man's lack of consideration for safety, he was up and walking away. She knew better than to follow him.
If you're gonna give a girl a gun, you'd better make sure she knows how to use it.
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