[spoiler=this is a long story]so you guys might know that i had a breakup recently
i've never taken one so hard in the past, this was a significant relationship to me. i ended up doing a lot of things and losing friends out of being blinded to my own needs and catering to someone else's.
it's probably pretty obvious that i don't have a ton of self esteem. in relationships, i always put a lot of love into the other person so i don't have to take the time to love myself.
almost all of my relationships have been on the internet, and when you're not communicating with someone face-to-face, the chances for huge miscommunications and misunderstandings is there. and it can end up screwing over the whole thing. i haven't thought about this being an issue for a long time.
i have a lot of mental health problems that need to be taken care of before i pursue anything one way or another. this would just be me giving a lot of unnecessary heartache and worry to a person.
i'm really upset things panned out the way they did, because the idea of still being friends after all that is really appealing to me. the thing is, when you're a person like me, it just can't happen right away. that being pushed is what made even worse [parasitic bomb] happen.
but honestly, i'd rather someone be happy with me out of their life than miserable with me still in it. i feel like hiding away from everyone i've gotten close to in the last year because of that, but i am a person who is very reliant on people.
i ask people who are in relation to those i have issues with for advice, to keep away from what i heard being automatically biased against them. i never tell horror stories about "what they did to me", but i try to tell them what both parties have said and allow that person with consideration for both sides to form their own unique opinion. i am fairly convinced that this sort of logic has given me the makings of an irredeemable human being. i never mean to hurt anyone. i go out of my way with everything i do to not hurt anyone, but this is what i still manage to do.
i may as well accept the fact that i'm going to be flying solo for a while. i think it's better for myself and everyone i know that way.
even with all that put aside, i watched a person i cared about change into someone i felt very afraid of. and during that, i let that person change me. that is why i drew so harshly away from this place, and had to face you again with a different name.
i want to come back to you as the person i was before. instead of being a snide little brat, i want to be someone who at least creates the semblance of being helpful to your community. i figure a good start to getting back on track and pulling all of my [parasitic bomb] together would be to come back here and apologize for being a dick, and then to start to learn to be something other than a dick. you know, like a ... not ... dick.[/spoiler]
i baked cookies and brought enough for everyone.
